Lost my way

Lost my wayI don’t know where to start because I don’t know where I am. Life is not a blissful existence that moves along as if on autopilot.  If it did, my life would be perfect, without having to worry about obstacles, struggles, tragedy, or having to explain my actions to anyone; they would just understand. But, life doesn’t quite work that way, does it? No, life is a struggle where actions cause reactions, words create hard feelings, and attempts at recovery are called selfish. So, what next?

Next, that is always the the 1M question. I suppose the quick answer is ignore the facts and bury my head in the sand, wishing it all goes away. Yeah right, like that is going to work. Recovery is a tricky decision; where do you focus your energy, who is the the main focus, or what becomes priority? It appears time spent as an addict, isolating, internalizing pain, pushing aside emotional trauma, causes issues with those around you. Often the family is confused, hurt, angry, and bitter because the addict appears selfish and withdrawn. In the throws of the disease, the addict has one thing in mind, catching another high. I admit I did these very things, not realizing the impact my actions would have on my family. I can’t blame them for feeling this way. I have to come to terms with this outcome and actively work to bridge the divide I have created.

For those who don’t know, I write as therapy. Putting my thoughts down on paper help to bring them to the forefront. I know I have the tendency to push aside thoughts, feelings, emotions, and the things I perceive as negative. Why do I do that? Why can’t I deal with these emotional wounds that have affected me throughout my life? Is it the result of my upbringing, watching how my parents dealt with life? Could be, but I don’t think it’s right to blame them for my issues. But, the reality of it all is that this is my M.O.

There have been those moments where I have thought about how life would have been different had I made different choices in my past. Not that I am sorry for where I am now, but just a time of allowing my mind to wander. I imagine it would be vastly different than how it has turned out. Would I have the friends I have now? Would I have the career I have been fortunate enough to enjoy? Would I even be alive? All these questions floating around inside my mind cause me to question where God has been in it all. How has an all powerful, all knowing, and loving God allowed these things to continue affecting who and what I have become?

I’ve heard the reasoning from well-meaning Christians and those who apparently have no problems in life. “God has helped you through your problems”, “He’s been there all along”, or even those who say “you’re not supposed to question God”. What?? How in the hell does that help me in any way? Rhetoric, spewed from the mouths of the unaffected does not impact my situation. I’m not wanting to put anyone down or trivialize what they believe; we’re all allowed to believe whatever we want, but how can I use any of their words in my present circumstances?

Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”. Yes, I believe it; so much so that I have it tattooed on my arm. Even so, it doesn’t always ring true while going through what I am now. Well, maybe it’s true, but I can’t sense it right now because I can’t even figure out where I stand or what I’ll do next.

I’m not wanting to ramble nor am I seeking pity for myself. I just want to wake up and face the next day with a clear head, confident in who I am, and able to leave the negativity in the past. Easier said than done, I know. But, what other choices do I have? I am reminded of one of the morning prayer groups while I was in recovery. We often have negative third words for our self; “I am ______”. What do we think about ourselves? What sorts of labels do we place on our self that we can’t seem to let go. “I am ______”, powerful, smart, loved, educated, successful, and confident. You can try to label me as fragile, broken, selfish, or an addict. While I may be an addict, my addiction will not define me. My recovery may make you feel I’m acting selfish or my addiction has broken me, but that’s not the end of the story. It will not define me, it will not be my legacy, nor will I allow anyone to break me.

I may not have a wide circle of friends I can count on or family I can lean on, but be that as it may, I am still going to move forward, one day, one step at a time making the right choices for the right reasons. This may not only be my therapy or my way to express my innermost struggles, but it just could be for you as well. What are you allowing others to say about you? What third words have you given to yourself? What demons are you trying to vanquish? Whatever you are going through, whatever you have gone through, and whatever you may go through in the future should not cause you to agree with the negative words people may sling at you. You are strong. You are worthy. You are loved. Even if those around you can not see it, will not express it, or try to convince you otherwise, God has called you son or daughter. As children of God, we are entitled to all the love the father has in store for us, all the blessings the father is waiting to give, and the affirmation that can only come from a parent.

Stay strong. I’m praying for you. Pray for me. #RecoveryRocks

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About Markus
Self confessed MisFit trying to get through life. Christ Follower,Father,Papaw,Musician. A realist who is enjoying becoming lost in the right direction

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